Meditation Aug 14, 2016

Two sessions…One 22 minutes…The second one 23 minutes…45 minutes in all…Following the breath…Leaving the breath for thinking…Returning to the breath…First session went by quickly…Second session even faster…Waves of light proceeding from the the front to the back of the mind…Arising and falling…Appearing and disappearing…Light clouds arising and falling…First jhana in second session…Feeling of delight…Joyful feeling of second jhana suffusing chest and legs…Third jhana…feeling of contentment…Mostly joyful feelings suffusing entire body…Clouds of light moving from the front to the back of the mind…Neutrality of the body to sensations…Distraction of tactile hallucinations…Mindfulness of the body…Heaviness of the body analogous to the heaviness of the earth…solidity..density…hardness…Fire element…Lightness…Temperature-Hot and cold…Coldness of the feet…Coldness of the soles of the feet…Air element…Movement of the air on the skin…Breath…Vibration of the heart…Impermanence of the thoughts…Impermanence of the feelings…Impermanence of the first three jhanas…Impermanence of sensations…Impermanence of the breaths…Progress in meditation into meditative absorptions…Delight…Joy..Contentment…Pleasantness of smells…Water element…Saliva…Urine…Blood…Lymph…Hindrances beginning with restlessness and worry…Worry about the day to come…Doubt…Am I doing the meditation correctly?…Lack of ill will…No one to feel ill will about…Sense desires…Wish for comfort…Moving the head around on the neck…Form of the body a constant…Perceptions always present…Sense consciousness is programmed to give preset meaning to sensing.

Thoughts Apr 2016

Toward a Personal Psychology

Toward a..

Meditation Jul 25, 2016

Two 25 minute sessions with a 5 minute break. Facetiousness coming up…Sense of humor…Unwholesome mind state…Seriousness given by HBP drug…Facetiousness ruling first 25 minute session…32 Body Parts…What are they?…Inner Organs…Body scan top to bottom…32 Body parts…What are they?…Movement of air on skin…Following the breath… Hindrances there on and off…Not really there…A little worry is all…No ill will…Sense desires…Desire for impermanence same as desire for non-being…Ending sessions thinking arose…Desire for non-being…Possible now to replace unwholesome mind states with wholesome ones…Dull pain in the back not a real problem…Mindfulness of the body…Vedana of pain in the back…Feeling joyful for a moment or two…Where are jhanas?…Sixth sense disappeared into background…Volition in heart…Intention to harm myself…A few thoughts about the day to come and the events in it…Returning to sangha after a four or five month hiatus..Greg..Nadine…Marjorie…Impermanence of three factors…The breath…The thoughts…The feelings (sensations)…Mindfulness of the body is the first foundation of mindfulness…Vedanas…Expecting pleasure, getting pain…Dull pain in the back…

Amplified Rhythmic Heartbeat

I spend some time each day, at various moments during the day, and particularly in the evening when everything has died down, listening to my rhythmic, amplified heartbeat. I am reminded of Poe’s story “The Telltale Heart.” Inside and outside the house, on the streets and the sidewalks, on the paths and roads leading into the college across the street, I can hear my heartbeat loudly and rhythmically beating. There is also a lot of extraneous noise in my head as well. What sounds like a chorus of monotone voices is forever chanting some hollow dirge. The heartbeat is always woven in in a wave. In with the chant, my thinking is churning out sentences, which I tune out, as they are just too much for me to listen to. My auditory apparatus is hallucinating within the sounds of automobile motors as people round the corner of the house, accelerating and decelerating. It also sounds like someone is beating a huge drum, or a number of drums, sometimes close, sometimes in the distance. There’s more, but it is too complicated for me to listen to and describe. You get the general idea: the insane, hallucinating mind of a schizophrenic. How I manage to think at all, you would be hard put to say. I just disregard it all.

Deafness Letter to My Brother

Dear Baird,
As a musician maybe you can appreciate my declaration that I have gone deaf in my right ear and mostly deaf in my left one. I don’t know what the implications are now for my relationships with other people. I am thinking maybe I should carry a paper pad and pen and ask them to write down what they are trying to say to me. The deafness has or hasn’t been caused by the noise in the environment. I am sort of glad that this has happened to me because it means I don’t have to hear the noise any more. Also, I am sick of trying to understand what people are actually saying.-what the meaning of their words is. I still hear a deafening roar when I go outside with what is left of the hearing in my left ear-a distorted, garbled, cacophonous mess. I DO have a hearing aid which was for the right ear, but which I now use in my left ear, as the right one is completely deaf. It is turned up too loud and I have been unable to turn it down, even with the help of another person. I don’t like wearing it because the world is too loud and too noisy.
Hope you are well. I hope you make some money from your new recording. I am coming out with a new booklet. I am looking forward to YOUR book.

Love, Martin

Various Lists

My Schizophrenia:
Distraction
Agitation
Avolition
Isolation
Depression
Cognitive Deficits
Auditory and Olfactory Hallucinations

I don’t like being rejected.

I have been victimized by people all my life due to my attitude toward others-one of openhearted loving kindness. The victimization has made me hardhearted.

I have also been a victim of neglect all my life-even more so now. Nobody wants me. When I’m supposed to be getting something from someone, something or a group, I’m not and I don’t get it. This is the neglect. It’s due to oversight on their part. I leave myself out. I suffer from the neglect and now, from knowing I have been neglected and am continuing to be neglected. People use me instead of giving me what I deserve. Life isn’t fair. I use them in return. I leave myself out. I fail to have any input. I don’t assert myself because I think everyone is together and they are all already on my side.

Nadine’s Rules and Laws
1. You are only offering an opinion. It is not necessarily the truth.
2. You are trying to impress. Don’t do it. (Boasting)
3. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. This is a general law, applicable to all persons.

Man’s state is fallen. People are flawed.

There has been murder and suicide in my life.

The observing self-objectivity, awareness, mindfulness.

Sexual Misconduct (Rape, Incest, Excessive Masturbation)
Vanity, Pride, Lust, Hypocrisy, Sloth, Selfishness, Hatred, Accusing others-I feel cheated.
Perfectionism, Lifelong Mental Illness, Trying to get other people’s approval.
Unable to control my thinking due to illness. Rejecting my thinking, my thoughts constantly, consistently. Emotionally immature. Childish. I sell myself short.

It’s me or others, not me and others. Certainly not others and me.

Complexes and Conflicts
1. Sex (Men and Women)
2a. Mental Illness and Mental Health (Am I or am I not mentally ill?)
2b. Old Age and Youth (Weakness, Health and Illness, Disease)
3. Food
4. Personality (Self or Others)
(Sense of Humor or Seriousness)
(Voice, Radio Head Game)
(Criminal Mind)
(Introvert or Extrovert)
5. Society (Work or Idleness, Friendship or Isolation)
5a. Money
6. Girls, Women
7. Family
8. Love (Romantic or Spiritual)
9. Spirituality or Materialism
10. Body or Mind

Meditation III

Two sessions of 25 minutes each with a break of 5 minutes…First session: pain in toe in right foot…Sharp pain in toe persisted throughout the session…Anger at the brain for producing and holding onto pain in the toe…Following the breath assiduously…Pain in the toe…Sharp pain in the toe on the left foot throughout session…Second session: pain in toe returned near the middle of the session…Slight tactile hallucinations in the back of the neck began the session…The brain was talking about the brain stem…Following the breath, but differently…Masks…Expressions of different emotions took over as predominant sensation…Images of emotional masks appearing to the third eye…They increased in volume, esp. toward the end of the session…Awareness of the body…Breath…Pain in the toe came back and then disappeared…Impermanence of thoughts, breaths, sensations,feelings…A lot of tactile hallucinations distracting from following the breath…Esp.on the feet and ankles…Sound of silence was there to be observed…On and off observation of sound of silence on my right…Breath competing with the heartbeat…It became a function of the heartbeat…Throughout the second session, the breath competed with the heartbeat with the heartbeat dominating the breath…Odd idea of the body seen visually…Strange imaginary faces expressing emotions of different kinds appeared to my mind’s eye…One motor vehicle passed by on the street outside…Some minor hindrances…Restlessness and worry…No ill will…No one in my thinking to dislike…Sense desires…Feelings expressed in different masks of imaginary faces appearing to the third eye…Sloth and torpor arose in the first session…Minor sloth and torpor…A little worry…Not much…Doubt once…All mild hindrances…Where was the first jhana?..Sensation pulse depending on heartbeat…Esp.of tactile hallucinations.

Meditation II

Two sessions of 25 minutes each…50 minutes in all…First session taken up with feelings of ill will toward my sister and my brother…Unskillful mind states leading to unhappiness-dukkha…Following the breath…Short, quick little breaths throughout both sessions…Quiet…Sixth sense was restless…Seeking fulfillment…Restlessness of the sixth sense…Continually thinking..Words…Would not quiet down..Looking for answers to questions…Various persons presented themselves to the mind…Worry about the day to come…Mindfulness of the body…The mind is the sixth sense?..Feeling,,. Sensations…Tactile hallucinations constantly arising…One big itch on the left cheek…The mind knows the brain…The brain does not know the mind…The mind enters the brain from the back of the head…One or two motor vehicles passed by…Constantly thinking…The mind would not quiet down…Restlessness and worry…Mindfulness of the body…Earth elements…Heaviness..Density of other people’s bodies I had touched…Water element…It is raining this morning…Air element…The breath…Pressure… Vibration…Short, quick little breaths throughout both sessions…Slowed down a little in second session momentarily…Neutral parts of the body…The legs…Dull pain in the back…Pain in the neck…Continually, constantly thinking…Words…The mind…The sixth sense would not quiet down…Still the mind by sitting quietly without moving.

Meditation

July 27, 2016
Two 20 minute sessions…Five minute break…Forgetful…Unable to remember first session…Memory failing at 74 years…Mindfulness of the body…Earth element…heaviness…density…Water element…cleans…Chester River near me…Air element..breath…vibrations…pressure…Fire element least important to me…Energy in meditating…Vedana…expecting pleasure. Getting pain…Mind flooded with Buddhist concepts this morning…Following the breath…First Foundation of Mindfulness is the body…Energy and enthusiasm for meditation this morning…Flooded with Buddhist conceptual thinking this morning…Restlessness and worry…Emptiness of the day ahead…Love for Frazer…Sense desires…Sixth sense…Fifth sense…Primacy of thought over feeling…Following the breath…Far from concentration on the breath this morning…Dull pain in the back a constant in my meditation each day…Some unpleasant itching…Craving non-being…Craving being…Sense desires..Volition…I don’t understand “intention…”Flooded with Buddhist conceptual thinking this morning…Attributing this to my talk with Anne yesterday(Tuesday)…Form…Mindfulness of the body is the First Foundation of Mindfulness…Aware of sensations in the limbs…Tenseness in the abdomen, the back…Neutral feeling in the limbs…One leg different from the other leg…Sensation of left heel raised slightly off the floor when it is not…Restlessness of the sixth sense…Always thinking with words…One image of something…Tactile hallucinations light, slight…Pleasant smells…Grasping causes dukkha? Impermanence of breaths…thoughts, sensations…Time is passing…Doubting my practice…Absence of sloth and torpor…Observing mental formations…Emotions…Volition…What is intention?